Tuesdays on the See-Dub

90210

Ratings suggest that many of you aren't watching this gem of a remake, so I'm going to go ahead and fill you in: Last year, Annie got wasted at a post-Prom fete, drove off, and hit a homeless man. The whole incident was witnessed by homeless man's nephew, drug dealer Jasper. Annie and Jasper dated, Annie lost her V card, Jasper went mental when Annie tried to dump him and jumped off the Hollywood sign. Then Annie felt relieved that her secret was safe and started hanging out with the popular kids again, but guilt got the best of her and she went all tell-tale heart-like crazy. Her adopted half-brother, Dixon, was hooking up with an older woman who faked a pregnancy to keep them together, but his mom foiled that plot and he decided that he was into Silver (who is the half-sister of 90210 version one stars David Silver and Kelly Martin). Silver started dating Teddy, the former womanizer who looks like he's 35. Teddy's childhood bff is child actress Adria, who dumped true love Navid to give Teddy a whirl. When she found out Teddy wasn't into the whole concept of a relationship, she tried to get back with Navid, who was too hurt to take her back. Navid started dating an emo ginger, and Adria fell back into a nasty drug habit and then started dating her AA bff....Rumer Willis. Adria's non-gay bff is Naomi, the curly haired blonde who cashed in her trust fund and moved out with her older sister, Jen. Jen was full of secrets, like the fact that she was broke and using Naomi for her money, as well as the fact that she hooked up with Naomi's flame, Liam. Liam was buddy buddy with surfer chick Ivy, who got jealous when he and Naomi got back together. So she and Dixon had a fake romance to make their former lovers, Silver and Liam, jealous, but then the romance turned serious and they started dating for realsies. Ivy's mom is a Jeri Hall-esque record exec who likes the mary jane as well as West Bev High teacher Ryan, who has also romanced crazy sis Jen and WBHS vice principal....Kelly Martin. Kelly has a crush on the principal, who happens to be married to aunt Becky from Full House, also known as the mother of Dixon and Annie. SEE HOW FULL-CIRCLE THIS SHOW IS??? Tune in for the final two episodes of the season, which include teenage gambling addiction, student-teacher sex scandals, an estranged birth mom witnessing a forbidden kiss with a yoga teacher, Luke from Gilmore Girls, and the standard love/betrayal that comes with teenage dramas. And all this when you're trying to study for the SATs.

Melrose Place
Simply put: it's what happens when the kids from 90210 grow up. Season one is over, season two is yet to be confirmed (which is stressing me out). But if you feel inclined to pick up the dvds, you can look forward to murder mysteries, embezzlement, breaking and entering, fine art burglaries, prostitution, blackmail, a broken engagement, a life-threatening medical condition....and Heather Locklear. Dear CW, Please renew! xoxoM ps: I still maintain that you had the best ad campaign I've ever seen...