Lee Marvin, Derek Jeter, and Khonani

Let’s face it, people. We have all seen last week’s 30 Rock(s) because it is THE best show on television. Yes, I said it. As a guest blogger, I am allowed to make such statements. So, instead of recapping a show we all watched… maybe even more than once… let us relive some of the best moments from last week’s double feature in a segment I like to call "Quotes from Carol*."

*Carol is my nom de plume. This is really Natalie. But don’t you love the alliteration?

"Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter"

Avery: …Think: Slutty Grace Kelly
Jack: Oh, God bless you. I’m picturing it right now. And, the opposite of that just walked in.
Avery: Tell Liz I said “Hi”

Jack: Thanks, Lemon. But my true present is that equisite ensemble. You look like a prison weed dealer.

Jack: Lemon, are you wearing a cup?
Liz: Oh, I forgot: only guys can get hurt there.

Jack: Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut: sometimes awkward triangles occur.

Liz: You’re going to juggle them? No. Even you can’t pull this off, Jack. Mrs. Doubtfire shimself could not do this.

Nancy: I even got them to make you that flavor we invented.
Jack: Peanut butter and Miller High Life.

Twopher: I am about to utter two words a Harvard man never says…
Liz: I’m cool? I’m sorry. You can’t set me up like that.

Liz: How’s your episode of Three’s Company going?
Jack: Like Three’s Company, it’s titillating yet anxiety-producing. I need your help, Janet.
Liz: Ah man, being Janet sucks.

Pete: Tracy, will you call Twopher and talk some sense into him?
Tracy: Oh yah, just ask the black guy cause we all know each other. Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?

Tracy: I know you’re all secretly mad because we finally have a black Disney princess.
Jenna: You know, there actually hasn’t been a white princess since 1991.
Pete: Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Jasmine. Wow she’s right.

"Khonani"

Tracy: Well, I yelled Baba-Booey at Walter Cronkite’s funeral. So I actually have no idea of what’s rude or not.

Jack: Oh my: I haven’t seen your brow that furrowed since you saw that picture of Helen Mirren in a bikini.
Liz: How is that possible? Is she a wizard?

Jack: I’ve had to make some tough calls over the years… turning down Dick Cheney’s offer to be King of Iraq.

Cirie: Hey Liz, can I talk to you and Jenna in… the office where everybody clips their toenails?
Liz: Not cool, guys.

Tracy: I trained him to hate white people cause not to profile, but most ghosts are white.

Liz: I want to see the behavior that got you kicked out of the Inaugural Ball.
Tracy: I can’t, LL. First of all, the Secret Service never gave me back my t-shirt cannon...
Liz: No… you have to come. I need you! This party needs to be off the hook!
Tracy: People don’t say that anymore. They say “surf party USA.”

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, it’s Kenneth Parcell. From work. And friendship.

Liz: Do you think when I was a kid I dreamed of someday paying $1,200 for a karaoke machine to impress a bunch of pasty losers?
Jenna: And a professional singer who’s beautiful, but doesn’t know it.

Tuesdays on the See-Dub

90210

Ratings suggest that many of you aren't watching this gem of a remake, so I'm going to go ahead and fill you in: Last year, Annie got wasted at a post-Prom fete, drove off, and hit a homeless man. The whole incident was witnessed by homeless man's nephew, drug dealer Jasper. Annie and Jasper dated, Annie lost her V card, Jasper went mental when Annie tried to dump him and jumped off the Hollywood sign. Then Annie felt relieved that her secret was safe and started hanging out with the popular kids again, but guilt got the best of her and she went all tell-tale heart-like crazy. Her adopted half-brother, Dixon, was hooking up with an older woman who faked a pregnancy to keep them together, but his mom foiled that plot and he decided that he was into Silver (who is the half-sister of 90210 version one stars David Silver and Kelly Martin). Silver started dating Teddy, the former womanizer who looks like he's 35. Teddy's childhood bff is child actress Adria, who dumped true love Navid to give Teddy a whirl. When she found out Teddy wasn't into the whole concept of a relationship, she tried to get back with Navid, who was too hurt to take her back. Navid started dating an emo ginger, and Adria fell back into a nasty drug habit and then started dating her AA bff....Rumer Willis. Adria's non-gay bff is Naomi, the curly haired blonde who cashed in her trust fund and moved out with her older sister, Jen. Jen was full of secrets, like the fact that she was broke and using Naomi for her money, as well as the fact that she hooked up with Naomi's flame, Liam. Liam was buddy buddy with surfer chick Ivy, who got jealous when he and Naomi got back together. So she and Dixon had a fake romance to make their former lovers, Silver and Liam, jealous, but then the romance turned serious and they started dating for realsies. Ivy's mom is a Jeri Hall-esque record exec who likes the mary jane as well as West Bev High teacher Ryan, who has also romanced crazy sis Jen and WBHS vice principal....Kelly Martin. Kelly has a crush on the principal, who happens to be married to aunt Becky from Full House, also known as the mother of Dixon and Annie. SEE HOW FULL-CIRCLE THIS SHOW IS??? Tune in for the final two episodes of the season, which include teenage gambling addiction, student-teacher sex scandals, an estranged birth mom witnessing a forbidden kiss with a yoga teacher, Luke from Gilmore Girls, and the standard love/betrayal that comes with teenage dramas. And all this when you're trying to study for the SATs.

Melrose Place
Simply put: it's what happens when the kids from 90210 grow up. Season one is over, season two is yet to be confirmed (which is stressing me out). But if you feel inclined to pick up the dvds, you can look forward to murder mysteries, embezzlement, breaking and entering, fine art burglaries, prostitution, blackmail, a broken engagement, a life-threatening medical condition....and Heather Locklear. Dear CW, Please renew! xoxoM ps: I still maintain that you had the best ad campaign I've ever seen...

You know you love me...

Rumor has it that Jenny Humphrey will be wonderfully absent from the confirmed fourth season of Gossip Girl. Woo! I'm over that girl and her crazy extension/makeup combo meddling in everyone else's lives. Personally, I think they should have drawn out the whole Damien story a little longer...I guess I'm just a sucker for the classic girl-meets-drug-dealer love story. The official reason for her leaving the show is "creative differences"...I just hope that she spends a little of her new-found time watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas and reflecting on exactly when it was that she stopped being adorable little Cindy Lou Who. Think about it, Little J.

Chuck and Blair are breaking my heart, but I suppose I should have expected a little trouble with their storyline...they've been blissfully perfect for almost the entire season. I'm just not thrilled that EVERY couple on the show is having problems right now-- Chuck and Blair, Nate and Serena, Eric and his straight/gay love interest, Lilly and Rufus....is NO ONE happy on the Upper East Side??

Also, raise your hand if you smiled at the Russian version of the Black Eyed Peas playing in the background of pre-wedding game night.

"The closest thing to a musical instrument we play is a radio."

Many things have happened on the Amazing Race since I last blogged:

• The detectives u-turned the Asian couple and made them do the hardest task ever. Note to self: brush up on morse code skills before I go on the Race. 
• Caite and Bret, America's Sweethearts, bickered and yelled at each other while they looked for grapes and tried to build a tower of champagne glasses.
• The teams flew to Seychelles, which no one could pronounce. Did no one else wear the chunky platform sandals of the same name that were all the rage in 1995-2002? I would have been great at that part. I had a heart attack when Steve and Allie decided to leave their backpacks behind and continue the race with only the clothes on their backs and their fanny packs, and then I had another heart attack when I thought that my cowboys were going to get eliminated. 

This is how we manage to watch tv shows "together" from 1200 miles apart

• Jet and Cord somehow managed to be the last to start, complete a speed bump, and finish in first. Their prize? A sexy trip for two to Maui. Why do these guys always get the weirdest prizes?
• The detectives offered Steve and Allie some extra clothes to help them along the rest of the race. The detectives referred to Brent and Caite as their wolf cubs. How lovable are these two goons??
• Next Stop: Singapore, where the streets sparkle like Disneyland and the street vendors sell ice cream sandwiches on pieces of white bread. Caite proved to be an excellent drummer/dancer, giving them the chance to get to the u-turn first and send Carol and Brandy back for round two. You know what? Good riddance. I've never seen two grown-ups act so ridiculous. Even if the models are "stupid"....they did well enough to beat you. How embarrassing. 

Sorry for the delay...

I promise I'm on the cusp of some really, REALLY great posts that you'll have the privilege of reading in the near future. There's been a wee bit of a holdup because my "co"author, Mr. S, has decided that rigorous studies concerning genetic development take priority over writing on this blog. So I am now accepting suggestions/applications for guest bloggers. Send me your best: meggan dot pingree at gmail dot com