Summer Shows

May is a very sad time for a TV connoisseur such as myself, for it marks the end of regular-season programming. However, along with the summer comes a number of gems that I feel are worth getting excited for. Premium cable tends to thrive in the summer, offering a number of smart, clever shows to watch when I'm not sitting by the pool.

United States of Tara now airing Multiple personalities have never been so entertaining. Toni Collette is crazy versatile as she jumps from alter ego to alter ego, and Aiden from SATC plays....well, pretty much the same manly and supportive significant other that he did the last time we saw him on tv.

Nurse Jackie now airing She's a nurse, she has an adulterous affair with her pharmacist to fuel her pill popping....what's not to love?

Party Down now airing I was recently introduced to this show in between seasons 1 and 2, and I was a tad bit shocked that it managed to slip under my radar for even that long (I blame it on the fact that it airs on Starz). If you enjoyed Veronica Mars, you'll love seeing all of your old friends reappear. (If you didn't love Veronica Mars, then please add seasons 1-3 to your Netflix que immediately, because you've really been missing out.) Anyway, Party Down is about a bunch of sarcastic cater waiters. And it is LOL-by-yourself funny.

True Blood June 13 I don't watch this show, because I blatantly avoid anything that is fantasy/aka vampire related. However, I realize I am in the minority (just like I am with this whole Twilight business), so I wanted to be fair and give my readers a heads up. 

Entourage June 27 Vince and the boys were doing a-ok last season (finally, E and Sloane!), which can only mean that there are sure to be big problems in season 7. I just hope Jeremy Piven can stay away from sushi and soy milk during filming...

Mad Men July 25 I adore Betty and was waiting for her to stand up to Don for three whole seasons, but in the finale I was absolutely devastated. If you're behind on this show, please pour yourself a glass of of scotch, light up a cig, and get caught up asap.

Weeds August 16 Weeds started out as such a different show than it's evolved into these days. For a while, I wasn't sure how I felt about the newer, darker weeds. I kept finding myself wishing that Nancy could just walk away from the drug "industry," settle down with a legal job, and be a good mother to her desperately-in-need-of-therapy children. But then....what sort of a show would that be?

And for those times that you feel like watching something a little less stimulating, summer offers a bevy of reality tv treasures: 

Real Housewives of New Jersey now airing My love affair with all things Jersey continues...
Bachelorette May 24 I really, really hate this show. And I will watch every episode. 
Toddlers and Tiaras June 2 I really, really LOVE this show. Bring on the spray tans and flippers!
Work of Art: The Search for the Next Great Artist June 9 A brand new show, like Project Runway for artists. I'm intrigued and will absolutely be tuning in. Finally, a use for my Art History degree!
So You Think You Can Dance June 10 If you fast forward through the Mary Murphy parts, it's actually a pretty good show.
Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami June 13 I'm about thisclose to being over the Kardashians. It's called media saturation, ladies. I blame Kris.

Holly's World June 13 I have to stay true to the original Girls Next Door. I watched Kendra and I'll watch Holly. Is Bridget still on the Travel Channel?

HGTV Design Star June 13 Horray! I feel like this show has been on hiatus for way too long.

Top Chef: DC June 16 I've missed the standard Top Chef format-- Masters just wasn't doing it for me. What does doit for me is Michael Voltaggio from last season. Fingers crossed for a guest judge cameo...
Jersey Shore July 29 Jersey Shore season one was honestly an answer to my prayers. I just hope that the media attention hasn't changed the kids too much. And I hope that tv's greatest couple ever, Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie, were able to pull things together after the reunion show (which, btw, I am still pissed off at mtv for instigating).

"You need a hobby."

A lot of great things happen when you take an already successful television show and convert it to a reality show. Example 1: The OC turned into Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County (which then turned into The Hills and The City). Example 2: Desperate Housewives turned into The Real Housewives series on Bravo.

I enjoy the Real Housewives of New York City for several reasons. First of all, I can tell the difference between them, which was not always the case with those blonde hourglass gals over at the OC. I love that most of these women in NYC have actual jobs (although now that they are all “celebrities,” they each feel the need to write their own books and jewelry lines). And, not to betray my hometown location….but I just enjoy east coast snobs so much more than west coast snobs.

It’s hardly a complex plotline to follow, so I’ll just give a few of my reactions:

• These housewives are grown ass women, ages: Jill (46), Bethenny (39), Luann (44), Alex (36), Kelly (41), and Ramona (53)---who would have thought that Ramona was the oldest?? But what really gets to me is that these women are gossiping and picking teams and doing speaker-phone attacks the way I did…in middle school. Maybe I’m clueless and my mom and her friends were just better at hiding it? But then again, my mom never posed for Playboy or stood naked on a skyscraper for a PETA ad.

• Bethenny, Bethenny, Bethenny. You were my faaaaaaavorite for the first two seasons. Who didn’t love your impressions of Jill, your fights with (then) crazy Kelly, your search for prescription drugs to help you get through the child’s birthday party at Alex and Simon’s. But now you’re all on attack mode and I can’t handle it. I hate to be harsh, but….I just unfollowed you on Twitter. Sorry, girlfriend.
• I know she makes for good tv, but that Ramona is kuh-razy. Is her new haircut an improvement? Sure. Does it distrct from her crazy, black, beady eyes? Nope, not a bit. Ramona is the kind of person who always turns any discussion into an argument and refuses to even to listen to any voice besides her own. (And did anyone else hear her mispronounce "Delilah" as..."Deli...ah?" Hysterical.
• Also, Ramona’s dancing….well, can it really be considered “dancing”? I may or may not be perfecting my own Ramona impression when no one is around to see. Ah-MAZ-ing.

• I really enjoy the kids of the housewives. Ally seems like she is somewhat normal and also quite mature for her age. Victoria, the mini-countess, is absolutely gorgeous and I wish I had her eyebrows. And Avery clearly hates both of her parents (which she should), and I can’t wait to see he in a few years when she inevitably goes on a motivational speaking tour and talks to teens about succeeding in life despite the awful condidtions you were raised in.

Tune in, people. It’s a hell of a show.

The triumphant return of Jeffrey Osborne

I mean....all I really need to say about the Bachelor is, "I told you so." I know I only blogged about it last week, but I have been predicting Vienna for weeks (references provided upon request). A few highlights from last night:

• Tenley couldn't have married Jake because there would be so much crying between her, Jake, and Jake's dad that no one would ever be able to get anything done. Man up!
• Vienna clearly only owns two swimsuits: the fuschia one she wore to the mud pits, and the turquoise one she wears every other day. Also, did you notice that the editors blurred out her butt cheeks when they were rolling around in the mud? DYING to know what was going on there. Brazillian cut? Bottoms riding up? Vulgar words spelled out in Swarovski crystals?
• There's no bouncing back from being told that there's no physical chemistry. Abandon ship!
• Hey Vienna-- remember that one time that the makeup artists got you all gussied up for the finale and introduced you to the wonderful world of a eyeliner, mascara, and a lash curler? Let's keep that going, shall we?
• Loved the girls flying to Jake's location in a helicopter. Why did they get hotels that are so far apart? And also, couldn't we have found a cement helicopter pad? Walking across that grassy field in fancy prom shoes had to be quite tricky...
• OMG Jake's tie? It looked like someone was repurposing one of Bill Cosby's sweaters. The plus side is that it fit right in with the 1982 "On the Wings of Love" montage (which will be great to show at their sure-to-be-super-tacky/cheesy wedding, yes? I would like to think that Jeffery Osborne will make a live appearance there, as well.)
• Now on to Dancing with the Stars. So after the Bachelorette, the Bachelor, and now DTWS....is it safe to assume that Jake is no longer a pilot? Ride that 15 minutes of fame, my friend...

Love to hate this show. Can't wait to hate Ali on the Bachelorette (apparently her job is now ok with her taking an additional, even longer leave of absence. Does NO one work anymore??)

One Kell of a Show

You may know Kelly Cutrone as the awesomely bitchy boss lady on The Hills and The City. In my mind, she was one of the best parts about The City and the best part of The Hills, so I was thrilled to hear that Bravo had given her a show of her very own. Kell on Earth is magnificent. Allow me to outline a few of my favorite moments this week:

• Kelly getting a sunburn at a dinner party and explaining the next day at work "I look like George Hamilton's sister, from like a really cheap beach town."
• "I told Robyn and Emily to lower the boom, but I wasn't going to do it...because I was going to a Jonas Brothers concert."Kelly left work in the midst of a double-firing to take her daughter to a Jonas brothers concert. Everything was so high stress in that office, and then Ava bounced in, Kelly took a moment to give her a "you go girl" on the outfit she was wearing, and then they were off to the tween music event of the year (but not before Andrew warned her, "There are going to be so many happy people around you at that concert.") On the way there, Kelly had a chat with her 8 year old about how the girl that just gave her Sweedish Fish was going to get fired. An excellent mix of real world and fantasy for your little KC jr, I thought.
• Andrew M. saying that he and Andrew S. weren't the same breed, because he's "really gay and really tan and bubbly and flaming," and he has tattoos of Britney Spears lyrics on his wrists (sidenote: GREAT idea). Also great was when Stephanie Skinner laughed at Andrew because his bronzer streaked when he cried. Poor little lispy fella. 

• Stephanie Vorhies firing...herself. Interesting career move, and one that I hope is explored in greater depth in mba programs as well as the next season of Celebrity Apprentice. Do you still qualify for severance/unemployment if you fire yourself? Discuss.
• "Every year, it's harder and harder to say goodbye. It's not easier. It was easier when she was two. Let's face it, when they're two it's not such a displeasure to leave the house if you're a single mom. It's like 'Oh, hotel, (?), Paris? OK Mommy loves you, goodbye!'" Finally, some honest parenting on tv. 
• The three-way conference call between coworkers in the same room (which excluded the other interns in the room)? Awesome. When can I work there?
• Ava's dad. omfg. I don't know what I was expecting, but that wasn't it. What a weirdly amazing relationship he and Kelly have. Where can I get a foreign lover who I only have to be in a relationship with when we happen to be in the same town? (Just kidding, Mom). Interesting little factoid: Kelly has been married twice before, once to Andy Warhol protege Ronnie Cutrone and once to Jeff Kober, who was the mechanic on Lost two weeks ago.
• Was Stefanie Skinner referring to Margaret Cho's role in Sex and the City as the job that she aspired to? Really? You were obsessed with the show and the one job you coveted was...Margaret Cho?
• Can I just say how much I love me some Andrew M? Loved it when he wore a floor length sequin gown with a flannel shirt to a fashion show a few episodes ago. Loved it when he said, "Is this a joke, Virginia, with your five page resume?" as he shredded her resume and added "I bet she twitters about this." Love that he is so bitchy and mellow at the same time. And love that he seems to be a good friend who legitimately cares about the well being of those he works with...except for the two ditzes that got canned.
• Finally, I would like to know where it is that I can send a few packages of undereye concealer and highlighter for all of these ladies. I know your jobs are stressful, but there are cameras around...

I love a show that is all about the hard work behind fashion instead of just the glamor that we see when the cameras are flashing (although I love that sort of a show too...which is why I own both seasons of the Rachel Zoe Project). Tune in next week when Kelly talks about her first marriage in front of her daughter (who has apparently never heard of the guy), writing her book, and Skinner has a meltdown.

On The Wings Of Love

I'm about to get really unpopular here. And I'm ok with that. I think Vienna needs to win the Bachelor this season. Have I lost you yet? Stick around for the explaination...

1. Jake's Not A "Catch!"

He cries (way too often). He wears puka shells. I would rather be alone forever than end up in a relationship with a dippy fella like that. So...why are people rooting for a sweet girl like Tenley to end up engaged to him? I think people are confusing the concept of "winning" with the actual prize that is being sought after. It's like a competition where the grand prize is a lifetime supply of caffiene free diet coke. I wouldn't wish that "prize" on anyone...well, at least not anyone I liked.

2. Jake Clearly Likes Vienna More

He acts so much sillier with her than when he's with the other girls. Not that silly is a good thing (especially when it involves a pirate eye patch and a sword? Weird.), but he seems so much more comfortable when he's with her.

3. Tenley Has Baggage

If I hear her Disney Princess voice whine one more time about her past marriage, I'm going to lose it. Get over your relationship issues before you go on the show. And you can bring it up once, maybe even twice. But EVERY date/episode? Vienna has been married before, brought it up early on, and hasn't mentioned it since.

Finally, let's just add a disclaimer here: a proposal on reality tv means aaaaaaaabsolutely nothing. They've dated for a total of eight weeks, and that hasn't even been eight weeks of one on one dating. They're not getting married. They're simply continuing to date (and maybe not even for that long) in the presence of more jewelry. I take this show as seriously as the producers take the concept of marriage.

Also, A few notes on the Bachelor as a whole:

• Where on earth are these ladies coming up with all of these bad prom dresses for the rose ceremony?
• Two hours is too long for any show, especially reality tv. Cut it down to an hour, ABC.
• I can NOT get over what a wreck Ali looked like during the whole "make a choice between your career and love" fiasco. Pull yourself together, woman! I realize you're heartbroken and all, but can't you find something better than a Forever21 sundress and a sloppy ponytail? 
• I'm not sure what to make of the whole Roz situation. She seems way too defensive to be completely innocent. But how about Chris getting all sassy and in her face about fabricated stories? Loved that.
• I love reality dating show cliches. Say them along with me now: "We're connecting on a whole new level." "She's here for all the right reasons." "I have a lot of love to give." "He has such a beautiful heart." "I've been hurt in the past." "I'm here to fall in love." "She's so real and down to earth."

"I'll tell you what, the cowboys are the most magical people ever"

There really isn't a good reason not to watch this show. If I could be on one reality show, it would be the Amazing Race. The only things holding me back are selecting a team member who takes it as seriously as I do and manages not to annoy me, and coming up with a clever "title" to go under our names. I am convinced that the title is key... not necessarily to winning, but definitely to getting more screen time (which, in my mind, is just as good if not better than actually winning). On to the remaining contestants:

Brent & Caite: The Amazing Race is one of my favorite shows, so I was excited for the new season anyway....but then I found out that THIS little gem would be competing and my excitement rose to a whole new level. 

Where do I begin? I love that this team's description is "dating models." Not dating, but dating models. I love the blank stares and tepid chuckles in their interviews. I love/hate/love to hate that ridiculous sparkly headband that "Caite" (as though shortening her name would conceal her identity) insists on wearing on every episode. I love that she pronounced "adoration" like it rhymes with....a controversial medical procedure. I love that Caite hocked a big ole lugey when they were waiting on the farm challenge. And I love that they have teamed up with their intellectual equals...

Jordan & Jeff: I've never watched Big Brother, but seeing these two makes me think I really should start. What is the most puzzling about this couple is that they aren't both clueless (like B&C), but that Jeff spends the entire episode making fun of Jordan. Hopefully this makes for a big, public fight some time soon. Also, the title "newly dating" confuses me-- they would have had to turn in their applications like 6 months before the show filmed, so by this point are they really newly dating? Also, putting that on your application seems like a risky move to me...I want to see a couple that is together when they apply, and then breaks up right before the show but decides to go anyways. It would be just like watching my Junior Prom, only with airplanes and backpacks. 

 

Jet & Cord: Favorite team. So many great comments this episode: "Where I come from, it's an honor to wear this hat. If I don't feel comfortable wearing a hat somewhere, I don't know that I want to go." and "I'm just hoping we don't have to go swimming, I didn't bring any trunks" (you brought a rain cover for your hat but no swimsuit? huh) and when they were talking about snuggling down in the car while they waited for the trail to open, one said, "Snuggle? Well, snuggle might be a stretch..." And I think I heard the phrase "Oh my gravy" at least twice. And did you catch what they won for finishing first? Sailboats. Just...sailboats. Are these of the toy variety, or are we talking like full sized schooners? Because everyone knows that professional bull riders love sailboats.

Louie & Michael: Did you see the Soup this week? Being a huge (and I mean HUGE) fan of muppets, and I can say that Mike's voice would be PERFECT for a new character. I love them calling each other baby. But the fact that they drove right past the huge Bellavista sign makes me wonder....aren't they detectives? What sort of detective skills make you miss a huge sign? I hope they are either a)contractually guaranteed their jobs when they return, or b)retired. Because that seems like a career deal-breaker to me.

Jody & Shannon: I love that she referred to Shannon as her favorite grandchild, but Grandma's positivity was so unrelenting that it would totally get on my nerves after a while.  And just as I thought that, she got kicked in the head by a cow and I felt guilty. I was also perplexed by the censoring of the cows' bathroom habits-- why did they keep showing it if they are just going to blur it out? We're still paying for that stupid Super Bowl malfunction...

Carol & Brandy: How dare they be mean to little Caitlin Upton? And then in the clips from next week, they interrogate my other favorite team, the cowboys? OVER them.

Joe & Heidi: I'm all for strategic alliances, but that whole cutting in line move was just silly. Alliance does not mean "super seat savers."

Dan & Jordan: Honestly, these two need to leave the show pronto. And for all reality show contestants past, present, and future: if you don't know how to drive a stick shift, take a Saturday afternoon and have a friend teach you...BEFORE you go on the show. Common sense, folks.

Monique & Shawne and Steve & Allie: Oh. Forgot they were on the show.

Thursday Night Reality Roundup

Survivor and the Real Housewives franchise are everything I love about reality TV genres. First, you have the Real Housewives which represents a show in which the stars do nothing but live fun lives that the viewers are suppose to envy. See also: Any Real Housewives show, The Hills, The City, Keeping up with the Kardashians, etc. However, something has changed with my OC friends. I no longer envy them. I have watched this show since season 1 when I downloaded each episode on iTunes. These gals would spend money on houses and clothes like it was nothing. And I loved every second of it. But this season has featured 1 broke housewife stressing over the bill for a $50 oil change, another housewife downsizing her house because they cannot afford their generic, tract home and still another housewife being served an eviction notice for not paying the $10,000 deposit on their rented house. First off, if you are RENTING a house, you don't belong on this type of reality tv. No exceptions. Second, if I was into watching people struggle financially, I would turn on the news. Thankfully, the season has at max 2 episodes left before the reunion (which is usually the only reason I watch a season) so I won't give up on these gals yet.


Survivor represents the other type of reality shows I love: competition without judges. See also: Amazing Race, Toddlers & Tiaras, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, etc. The contestants on these shows rely on their skills (survival, traveling, applying makeup to a 9 month old child, being skinny and tan...) which makes this type of reality the perfect ying to the Real Housewives-style reality yang.

As this season of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains is only 2 episodes in, here are my hopes for the season:

1. Russell wins the entire competition because he was ROBBED last season. The jury was a bunch of babies.

2. This little sho-mance between Jerri and Coach continues for the entire season.

3. Tyson goes home ASAP. I have never disliked a survivior more. And he's from Utah.

4. Let 3rd time be the charm for Amanda. She has played Survivor for more days than any other contestant...ever!

I watch The Real World.

In 1992, MTV came up with a brilliant little idea that changed American television programming as we know it: reality tv. And I loved it from the very beginning. For half an hour, I was one of seven strangers picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. The Real World became such a part of my real world that even now, as the show has evolved to something that barely resembles the original (why are there eight strangers now?And why don't they ever have jobs anymore?) …I CAN’T STOP WATCHING. A few people I’ve met have identified with this, one being Chuck Klosterman in his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs:

I tend to consider myself an amateur Real World scholar. I say “amateur” because I’ve done no actual university study on this subject, but I still say “scholar” because I’ve stopped watching the show as entertainment. At this point, I only watch it in hopes of unlocking the questions that have haunted man since the dawn of civilization. I’ve seen every episode of every season, and I’ve seen them all a minimum of three times. This, of course, is the key to appreciating The Real World (and the rest of MTV’s programming): repetition. To really get it, you have to watch MTV so much that you know things you never tried to remember…One day, you just suddenly realize it’s something you know. And—somehow—there’s a cold logic to it. It’s an extension of your own life, even tghough you never tried to make it that way.

One of the things I’ve learned in all my years of Real World studying is that there’s almost always a character that doesn’t get as much screentime as the others. The casting crew clearly thought that they’d be great cast members, but once the cameras started rolling,  the other roomies proved to be much better for the storyline of the show [see: Simon in the Paris season]. We refer to these characters as “the one they never show.”

So this brings me to the current season: Washington DC. As I watched last night, I realized that I wished that six of the eight roomies were never shown. (I find Emily fascinating in the same way that early RWers were. Example: we know that she grew up in a cult, and yet she hasn't mentioned it to other housemates. Well played, Em. And also I’d like to keep Ty around just because he and Emily are interesting together.) But everyone else? Laaaaaame. And then I realized that I would have been ok if most of the Cancun housemates were “never seen.” And Hollywood too, for that matter. Is this what it means to grow up?

Nope. Because at the ripe old age of….however old I am, I’d still spend an entire Saturday watching Seattle or Miami. I still like the idea of the show, but the players now are too calculated and one-dimensional (the worst offenders this season are Andrew and Ashley). This is also the same reason why The Real World/Road Rules Challenges are so much better than the Real World nowadays: contestants get so focused on the challenge that they don't have the time or interest to play a character. There are, of course, a few rare exceptions [see: Isaac in Sydney, Ryan in Brooklyn]. And those exceptions are why I watch and will continue to watch...